How to Interpret Cryptic Things Girls Say

I've got a new project: Translating.
My first language will be the language of females.

Ya know, a lot of people want to know this shit. *ahem* I mean stuff. Even I've been wondering what's behind a girl's words when she says "Could you go get me some Japanese food?" Well up until this point, I've always thought "Okay, bring her Japanese food. Bitches love Japanese food."
Now... now, we speculate. We observe. We are a race of scientists and guinea pigs, coexisting, each one hating the other for different, undisclosed reasons.
But enough generalizations! After days of field work, I have come up with a few rough translations for the language of the highly intriguing species. Fellow linguistic scientists, you may thank me later for my hard work.

IN CONVERSATION:
(the phrase will be in red, the translation in black.)

"Oh yeah?"  ->  I don't give a shit.
"I had no idea!"  -> I had the idea since before either of us were born, back when i was a single celled organism.
"You're silly."  -> You're being a dipshit, please for the love of God stop doing what you're doing right now before people start looking at you and associating you with me.
"How did you manage that?"  -> You've mildly shocked me with your ability to do something other than gather dust and take up space on our cramped planet!
"I know."  -> Let's change the subject.
"Are you sure?" -> This is your last chance to reconsider your decision before I permanently rate you a very low number on the scaaaale of competenceeeeeeee biiiittttccchhhhh (rough translation)

GREETINGS:
"Hi." -> I'm madly in love with you.
"Hey!"  -> YOU'RE IN THE FRIENDZONE LOLZ
"Sup beotch." -> I admire our friendship and I think you're a wonderful human being.
"Buuuuuddy, what's uuuuuup?" -> Please go away please please please please please please (x10)
"Yo." -> Get the fuck out of my face, I'm hardcore pmsing but I don't want to seem like a bitch by responding with "I'm hardcore pmsing bro, back off" so i'll just try and be cool and say yo. Dawg.
"Yes?" -> /quit conversation. As fast as you can. I'm not even kidding, just /quit.

QUESTIONS: 
"Where's the bathroom?" -> I need a safe place to text my other two boyfriends
"What are you doing right now?" -> Whatever it is, I really think you hanging out with me is a million times more important and i'll be super sad and distant if you state something that you're actually busy with.
"How tired are you?" I know it's 3:30 am and all, but I'd love a buddy to go to grab some late night munchies with. And possibly have secks with. Because hey, secks and munchies, what a combo!
"What is your favorite _____?" -> This is not just casual conversation. I'm gonna buy this shit *ahem* I mean stuff- for you at some point in the future.

Damn! I feel super awesome about my contribution to the scientific community. Apologies to those who believe I have blasphemed the name of science (but think about it, aren't we really discovering new things every day in all fields?) Good luck in your verbal travels with women, wayfarer. I hope this mini guide will assist you in your endeavors.

Tune in next time to get another bone rattling dose of pure Mackennaology. It's a registered field of study now!
Mackenna

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5IAR2GMaUM

This Is not a How-to Guide.

There is nothing more I would like right now than to be my usual painfully sarcastic and crude self, but I can't find it in me. 

Recently, a number of people I commonly associate with have recently had some serious struggles in their lives. Each struggle is different, uniquely specialized to be completely tormenting and haunting. I have a battle, they have battles, we all have battles. But unlike others who know several current battles taking place in the lives of those they know, I'm going to approach this delicate matter differently:

I won't generalize the advice I give these people and say "be strong," "everything happens for a reason", or something shitty like that, although those are seriously the only thing you can say at times.

I will now switch narratives and speak to those who are afflicted in a 1st person omniscient manner. 

I will not generalize you.

I will not brush you off.

Your cares are mine, and I want to know what hurts. Why it hurts. How you're coping.

I want to make it my job to help people like you one day. I'll be called a "psychologist", or maybe even a "psychotherapist", but the want to understand why you feel what you feel is rooted deep in my heart. It's what I was made to do, and after years of ignoring that pull, I started giving in and wanting to do something to help someone. Anyone. 

But if you throw excuse after excuse at me, you're screwed and I'm not sorry.

lolz. 

That translates to "you've gotta gotta have the door unlocked if you call the cops for help."

So be careful and mindful of others, yeah? Everybody's got lots of problems. You're considered quite the selfish human being if all you think about are yours. 

How does that make you feel?

Should make you feel good, in a twisted way.

Everybody needs a good bass guitar riff to stare into the abyss while listening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVtGCACwpW8

I named this blog "sometimes I actually do things" for a reason. Because sometimes, I actually do things. 

Like...

-start the sequel to the novel I wrote when I was 14

-paint a sun and a moon on the back of my sneakers

-play Skyrim 

-write a poem about butterflies that represents my family

awwyeah.jpg. I'll start posting more actually useful guides when I get my sheet together, yes?

How To Pretend You're Sick

How to Pretend You're Sick
 *waves hand* "This is not the mini-guide you're looking for"

Those punks think they can just release Dead Space 3 and not tell me about it. Whatevs bro. I'm not butthurt about it in any way. I'll just RELEASE AN AWESOME GAME BY MYSELF AND NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT.

So if you have to convince someone, whomever it might be, (mom, brother, boss, etc.) that you are unfit to carry out whatever top secret mission they assign you, the trick is always in the behavior. In order to put on a facade of intense illness so that you might blatantly lie to another human being, you must first convince yourself that you ARE sick. It's a placebo. Everything's a placebo. God, I could not have picked a better topic for my English 102 research paper.
PLACEBO EFFECTS
HAO DO THEY WORK.

I sound like a cross between a Tibetan monk and a lolcat when i write these things..
I'm just getting over being sick myself, for real, and I find that when I am struggling with an illness of any sort, my avility to spell becomes highly flawed. Like I've already had to press backspace a good 1.3 million times and I'm only halfway through the fucking post.
"1.3 million," you might say? "that's an exaggeration, mackenna."
"Yes it is, my dear critic. I pulled the number from the amount of times you've questioned your self-worth." I might respond.
But I'm not that mean, now am I?

...There's a bunch of women with their heads cocked at a slight angle with very colorful, shiny hair looking at me through slit eyelids on my dresser. How did I end up with so many boxes of hair dye?

Oh wait, I was writing about something. Pretending to be sick. The easiest route is to do something you don't normally do, and do a shit ton of it. If you normally don't make eye contact with people, make a lot of eye contact and have labored breathing. Kinda like you're stalking them, yes. At that point, they should have a response that sounds something like "Please just go back home. You're too sick to work. Get some rest."
They want you to be your normal self.
If you're not your normal self, it's only a short bridge between the neurons in their brain that will tell them you're not well.
So if you're normally a bitch, you should try being really soft and sweet and nice. "How do I know if I'm normally a bitch, mackenna?" "Trust me, dear reader. Take the safe route and assume that you are."

If everyone followed my advice, the world would be such a nice place
Lots of bad ass motherfucking ninjas everywhere
LOOK THERE'S ONE NAO

Oh, and have a remix.
So relaxing.
Go drive through your nearest big city at sunset with your fanciest clothes on and pretend to be in a music video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFnqEo9367s

How to Properly Make Decisions

How to Properly Make Decisions
a mini-guide by Mackenna

We all have to make decisions sometimes. What should I take a picture of with my camera? What should I paint a picture of next? Which of the people sitting across from me on the Light Rail should I stare awkwardly at while I furiously draw on my own knee? Should I microwave a frozen dinner, or eat the whole thing in it's natural frozen state and be officially classified as a nutcase? What remix should I post on my blog today?
SO MANY GODDAMN DECISIONS

I might not know everything, but I do know this: I pretty much know everything, with a rough translation laced with my own personally poisonous ingredients of language thrown in. Making decisions can be easy if you look at it from a different point of view: I'm not going to say logical, because we often hear that word with an incorrect understanding of what that really entails.

I want you to find a mirror right now, look into it, and say "Logic is not something you learn consciously. In order to seek the verification of one's own logistics, one must inquire into the severity of the true identification   in which society thrives as a mass of multi-cognitive individuals on perceptive yet balanced heterogeneous grounds."

GOOD JOB. you have now uttered complete bullshit to yourself at the command of a virtual mackenna.
How does that make you feel?

As for decision making, it's all in the gut. No, not the two cups of flavored vodka you just powered down that is now mixing with  the unfortunately timed dinner of tostadas and black bean salsa in your stomach. How fortunate for you, I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing that a second time. NO! LOOK PAST THE VODKA. Your decision gland rests a little above your gut, more in your throat area. Behind your sternum. There you go.
Ask yourself a question out loud. Should I eat a cupcake for dessert even though I just ran a mile and a half? Now picture yourself eating the cupcake. Focus on the feels that picture gives you. If the feels are undeniably good, then obviouslY YOU SHOULD GRAB A CUPCAKE BEFORE THEY'RE ALL GONE. If you picture yourself ravenously consuming the cupcake and then being ridden with guilt that the last half mile you ran rigorously today was for nothing, and you see your head hang in shame as makeup stained tears pour down your face, then I have news for you! Your life is not a soap opera, it's an adventure movie and you are the heroic main character that overcomes temptation and tragedy for the sake of RESULTS.

just kidding. eat the cupcake, bitch. You deserve it for how hard you worked.

Also, as the above implies, You may contact me for any decisions you might need help with. I'm great with trusting my sternum.

Now for this evening's remix.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyRcnxp1Vss

How to Be a Badass Old Person

How to be the coolest elderly human in a sea of the near-dead.
Another mini-guide by Mackenna.


Alright. I know what you old-timers might be thinking: "How does this 18 year old youngster-whippersnapper-crabfish-rowdy-lawless-generational-abomination-lady know anything about being old?"

Mmmmmmm. I see your Ignorance Card, anonymous elderly folk, and I raise you a Creativity card whilst activating my trap card!
-2500 intelligence points. 

First, a slight rant. Old people can go either way. They can be super sweet, or total assholes. Why the odds have opted in the favor of them being total assholes, i do not know. No one does. Maybe it's the pain aspect of things, or maybe the fact that they're near the end of this life so they're like "Hmm.. I've always wanted to know what it's like to be a complete asshole to a random food service worker that is intent on satisfying me as a customer." Yeah, maybe it's that. And if that's the case, fine. I see how it is. I HAVE A BUCKET LIST TO FULFILL TOO, YOU SONOFABUFFALO AND IT CLEARLY IS WRITTEN ON THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST, "RESPOND WITH A SMART-ASS COMMENT THE NEXT TIME AN OLD PERSON IS RUDE TO ME." Take no prisoners, mackenna.

So the point, guys! It all comes down to the point. You don't have to be that raisin of a human being that I just ranted about. You have the capacity to be a rad, stellar, and groovy individual of many years. Wanna know how? Of course you do, silly motherfucker. If you didn't, you would have stopped reading by now.

1. Strength in numbers. When you're with your friends, you're a lot less of a bitch, right? This applies through all your years. Go out places in groups. get drunk. Go bowling. Laugh off that joint pain. You know you'd rather rapidly depreciate among people you enjoy, not alone. So stahp being alone, yeah?

2. Stop Living in the past. It's never coming back. Ever. But what you can do is remember what a badass you were in the past, and start deciding to be even more of a badass now. If the bitter fact that you're old and dying just bugs the living shit out of you, could you maybe think about something else? Like how you can speed on the freeway or shoplift items by hiding them under your manboobs? These are the years of complete freedom. It's like being 12 and having no bedtime. You're free, and you're still alive. How's that for optimism?

3. Find something you like about how the world is now.  Or in the future, if you're young and reading this. This is the most important thing of all, humans. I'm gonna get a little personal into this for a sec. I hate getting personal, but this might be worth it as a writing aid. I have 18 years under my multicolored belt. I listen to a variety of electronic music, of various speeds and various intensities. I own a skateboard, several beanies, and I play videogames in my spare time. I am a member of a social networking site that I'm religiously involved with, and I still believe that respect between individuals is necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship. When I age, I most likely will not have lost any of these interests and pastimes, but I will have also adopted many new ones as the years pass. Whatever music genre the future generation is involved with, give it a try. Find out what's going on in the world of those younger than you. It's never too late to teach yourself something new.
I know it's a common tradition among humanity to become a living relic of your own generation, so that others may see you and sneak a peek into the past. Fine by me. Fine by everybody else too. But you can't focus on the negatives of youth, make judgments or classifications or stereotypes. Like I said, it's all about finding something good. If they're driving hovercars, then God dammit, you take a ride in a hovercar. If they're fusing their own DNA with animals to create hybrid humans, then God dammit, you fuse your DNA and spend the rest of your mortal years being half human, half platypus. Go take a swim, Bill. your fur is getting too dry.

GREAT JOB. <INSERT CONGRATULATORY PHRASE HERE>.

NOW FOR MY TRAP CARD. A WILD KINGDOM HEARTS SHIRT APPEARED!

Commander Shepard, ready your greatsword.

How to Be Super Broke

A quick and easy guide on being a broke ass good-for-nothing noodle.

Dammit.

Alright. Step one! 

Don't do anything. Whatever you were about to to, stahp doing it. Just stahp. You can't really do things with no money, so don't even try. You know all those lists of "cheap, fun things to do in <insert city here>"? Fuck it. No, okay, don't fuck it. That sounds unhealthy. What you have to do is realize that it's all a facade. Become the ultimate pessimist. Nothing is worth it. $2 bowling? Fuhgeddaboutit. None of your friends like you that much anyways. 

Now that you have embraced the art of complete failure-ism, you can focus on being a stay-at-home noodle. That's right! Make that box of macaroni and cheese that's been sitting in the way back of your pantry for who knows how many years now. Tell everyone you're sick and you can't seem to find your right foot, which will mean nobody will want you to do anything for them. I mean shit, dude. If you can't find your right foot, how are you going to drive anywhere?

Great! So far we have filled our stomachs with macaroni and cheese, lied to everyone you know, and come to terms with the fact that you are a broke ass noodle. GOOD JOB.

Now it's time for a little productivity. Try to remember what you were good at doing when you were 12. Got anything? When I was 12, I was a straight up writer. I like to consider myself an updated, latest version of my 12 year old self, with more realism and a bit of Spanish classes under my belt, but i digress. What were you good at? Building stick houses in your backyard? Burning things in the oven? Playing hide-and-go-seek with your dog? As the Rolling Stones would say, "Jump back".* Go back and do that thing. Except make it a fantastic, updated, 2013 version. Dig into your real creative or productive talents. Try to find that zeal for life that you let slip from you ever since you started college or started working. You and I both know it's there. Find it, do it, take a picture of it, take a picture of yourself doing a duckface next to it, burn the picture, slap yourself for doing a duckface, and feel the energy flowing through you. When left with nothing, no money, we are forced to produce rather than consume. When I first get paid, that delightful moment when I view my bank account balance, I lose all my motivation to produce something for myself, or others. I jump into a consumer mindset that doesn't leave until I'm drained back down to nothing.

In all seriousness, We can only choose money or time in our lives. Unless you're a freaking pro, and really none of us are. 

If you have money, you're probably working hard for it, and you're robbed of time. 

If you have time, you're probably not working at all, and you're robbed of money. 

The key is to find the balance. Money is important, but it's not what rules our lives, ya know?

So enjoy your money, if you have it. Enjoy your time, for those of you that have that instead. 

Buenas noches.

*The Rolling Stones never said that. This is what I call my "bullshit asterisk". 

How to Insult People Without Getting Punched In the Face
-a mini guide by mackenna

haha look at that. I made the title look like a link so you would possibly click on it and look like a fool in front of the lotion and box of tissues resting on your desk. How does that make you feel?

Today I'll be writing a mini guide, which basically consists of my best advice for all types of situations. In this case, the art of Insulting, without receiving the necessary repercussions of being punched in the face, or kicked in the balls.

With strangers, it's all in delivery, With friends, it's all in word choice. Why would you insult your friends, you might ask? Because you're a complete asshole. Like me.

1. With strangers, be sure that you remain calm, subtle, and prepared to strike. Much like a cactus. If they step on you, they're screwed. Because your attack will be ferocious, and hopefully well deserved. Example time!

Stranger: "Watch where you're going, jackass!"
You: "Oh pardon me, sir. I apologize. If you will offer me your forgiveness, I shall continue on my way and be sure to be more careful from now on."

GREAT JOB. THAT GUY DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT COMING. Why wouldn't he punch you in the face or kick you in the balls after that? Because you're a nice guy. Now he feels like an asshole. He was probably calling himself a variety of bad names in his head once he realized what a civilized character you are. The greatest insult, is a self- insult.

2. With friends, you've got to be more creative. Example time.

Friend: "Watch where you're going, jackass!"
You: "I could say the same, you filthy PAWN!"

Nobody likes being considered a pawn. Everybody wants to be a knight or a rook or a king. GREAT JOB, YOUR FRIEND IS NOW QUESTIONING HIS SOCIETAL STANDING. Here's some more hurtful names:

-Mudskipper
-Wannabe
-Milkmaid
-Noodle
-Wastebasket
-Corn-shucking manure shoveler
-femur
-pinky toe

You will be sure to inflict a deep pain into your victim with the use of these words. Much like a 3rd degree burn, they won't realize how much your words have affected them until later, when they lie awake at night wondering, "What if i really am a pawn? a Mudskipper? a Corn shucking manure shoveler?"

GREAT JOB. the main thing is to throw them off guard. Or to just throw, if you're too angry for word use.
Just pick them up and throw them.
Hulk status.