Another mini-guide by Mackenna.
Alright. I know what you old-timers might be thinking: "How does this 18 year old youngster-whippersnapper-crabfish-rowdy-lawless-generational-abomination-lady know anything about being old?"
Mmmmmmm. I see your Ignorance Card, anonymous elderly folk, and I raise you a Creativity card whilst activating my trap card!
-2500 intelligence points.
First, a slight rant. Old people can go either way. They can be super sweet, or total assholes. Why the odds have opted in the favor of them being total assholes, i do not know. No one does. Maybe it's the pain aspect of things, or maybe the fact that they're near the end of this life so they're like "Hmm.. I've always wanted to know what it's like to be a complete asshole to a random food service worker that is intent on satisfying me as a customer." Yeah, maybe it's that. And if that's the case, fine. I see how it is. I HAVE A BUCKET LIST TO FULFILL TOO, YOU SONOFABUFFALO AND IT CLEARLY IS WRITTEN ON THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST, "RESPOND WITH A SMART-ASS COMMENT THE NEXT TIME AN OLD PERSON IS RUDE TO ME." Take no prisoners, mackenna.
So the point, guys! It all comes down to the point. You don't have to be that raisin of a human being that I just ranted about. You have the capacity to be a rad, stellar, and groovy individual of many years. Wanna know how? Of course you do, silly motherfucker. If you didn't, you would have stopped reading by now.
1. Strength in numbers. When you're with your friends, you're a lot less of a bitch, right? This applies through all your years. Go out places in groups. get drunk. Go bowling. Laugh off that joint pain. You know you'd rather rapidly depreciate among people you enjoy, not alone. So stahp being alone, yeah?
2. Stop Living in the past. It's never coming back. Ever. But what you can do is remember what a badass you were in the past, and start deciding to be even more of a badass now. If the bitter fact that you're old and dying just bugs the living shit out of you, could you maybe think about something else? Like how you can speed on the freeway or shoplift items by hiding them under your manboobs? These are the years of complete freedom. It's like being 12 and having no bedtime. You're free, and you're still alive. How's that for optimism?
3. Find something you like about how the world is now. Or in the future, if you're young and reading this. This is the most important thing of all, humans. I'm gonna get a little personal into this for a sec. I hate getting personal, but this might be worth it as a writing aid. I have 18 years under my multicolored belt. I listen to a variety of electronic music, of various speeds and various intensities. I own a skateboard, several beanies, and I play videogames in my spare time. I am a member of a social networking site that I'm religiously involved with, and I still believe that respect between individuals is necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship. When I age, I most likely will not have lost any of these interests and pastimes, but I will have also adopted many new ones as the years pass. Whatever music genre the future generation is involved with, give it a try. Find out what's going on in the world of those younger than you. It's never too late to teach yourself something new.
I know it's a common tradition among humanity to become a living relic of your own generation, so that others may see you and sneak a peek into the past. Fine by me. Fine by everybody else too. But you can't focus on the negatives of youth, make judgments or classifications or stereotypes. Like I said, it's all about finding something good. If they're driving hovercars, then God dammit, you take a ride in a hovercar. If they're fusing their own DNA with animals to create hybrid humans, then God dammit, you fuse your DNA and spend the rest of your mortal years being half human, half platypus. Go take a swim, Bill. your fur is getting too dry.
GREAT JOB. <INSERT CONGRATULATORY PHRASE HERE>.
NOW FOR MY TRAP CARD. A WILD KINGDOM HEARTS SHIRT APPEARED!
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