How to Insult People Without Getting Punched In the Face
-a mini guide by mackenna

haha look at that. I made the title look like a link so you would possibly click on it and look like a fool in front of the lotion and box of tissues resting on your desk. How does that make you feel?

Today I'll be writing a mini guide, which basically consists of my best advice for all types of situations. In this case, the art of Insulting, without receiving the necessary repercussions of being punched in the face, or kicked in the balls.

With strangers, it's all in delivery, With friends, it's all in word choice. Why would you insult your friends, you might ask? Because you're a complete asshole. Like me.

1. With strangers, be sure that you remain calm, subtle, and prepared to strike. Much like a cactus. If they step on you, they're screwed. Because your attack will be ferocious, and hopefully well deserved. Example time!

Stranger: "Watch where you're going, jackass!"
You: "Oh pardon me, sir. I apologize. If you will offer me your forgiveness, I shall continue on my way and be sure to be more careful from now on."

GREAT JOB. THAT GUY DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT COMING. Why wouldn't he punch you in the face or kick you in the balls after that? Because you're a nice guy. Now he feels like an asshole. He was probably calling himself a variety of bad names in his head once he realized what a civilized character you are. The greatest insult, is a self- insult.

2. With friends, you've got to be more creative. Example time.

Friend: "Watch where you're going, jackass!"
You: "I could say the same, you filthy PAWN!"

Nobody likes being considered a pawn. Everybody wants to be a knight or a rook or a king. GREAT JOB, YOUR FRIEND IS NOW QUESTIONING HIS SOCIETAL STANDING. Here's some more hurtful names:

-Mudskipper
-Wannabe
-Milkmaid
-Noodle
-Wastebasket
-Corn-shucking manure shoveler
-femur
-pinky toe

You will be sure to inflict a deep pain into your victim with the use of these words. Much like a 3rd degree burn, they won't realize how much your words have affected them until later, when they lie awake at night wondering, "What if i really am a pawn? a Mudskipper? a Corn shucking manure shoveler?"

GREAT JOB. the main thing is to throw them off guard. Or to just throw, if you're too angry for word use.
Just pick them up and throw them.
Hulk status.