This Is not a How-to Guide.

There is nothing more I would like right now than to be my usual painfully sarcastic and crude self, but I can't find it in me. 

Recently, a number of people I commonly associate with have recently had some serious struggles in their lives. Each struggle is different, uniquely specialized to be completely tormenting and haunting. I have a battle, they have battles, we all have battles. But unlike others who know several current battles taking place in the lives of those they know, I'm going to approach this delicate matter differently:

I won't generalize the advice I give these people and say "be strong," "everything happens for a reason", or something shitty like that, although those are seriously the only thing you can say at times.

I will now switch narratives and speak to those who are afflicted in a 1st person omniscient manner. 

I will not generalize you.

I will not brush you off.

Your cares are mine, and I want to know what hurts. Why it hurts. How you're coping.

I want to make it my job to help people like you one day. I'll be called a "psychologist", or maybe even a "psychotherapist", but the want to understand why you feel what you feel is rooted deep in my heart. It's what I was made to do, and after years of ignoring that pull, I started giving in and wanting to do something to help someone. Anyone. 

But if you throw excuse after excuse at me, you're screwed and I'm not sorry.

lolz. 

That translates to "you've gotta gotta have the door unlocked if you call the cops for help."

So be careful and mindful of others, yeah? Everybody's got lots of problems. You're considered quite the selfish human being if all you think about are yours. 

How does that make you feel?

Should make you feel good, in a twisted way.

Everybody needs a good bass guitar riff to stare into the abyss while listening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVtGCACwpW8

I named this blog "sometimes I actually do things" for a reason. Because sometimes, I actually do things. 

Like...

-start the sequel to the novel I wrote when I was 14

-paint a sun and a moon on the back of my sneakers

-play Skyrim 

-write a poem about butterflies that represents my family

awwyeah.jpg. I'll start posting more actually useful guides when I get my sheet together, yes?

How To Pretend You're Sick

How to Pretend You're Sick
 *waves hand* "This is not the mini-guide you're looking for"

Those punks think they can just release Dead Space 3 and not tell me about it. Whatevs bro. I'm not butthurt about it in any way. I'll just RELEASE AN AWESOME GAME BY MYSELF AND NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT.

So if you have to convince someone, whomever it might be, (mom, brother, boss, etc.) that you are unfit to carry out whatever top secret mission they assign you, the trick is always in the behavior. In order to put on a facade of intense illness so that you might blatantly lie to another human being, you must first convince yourself that you ARE sick. It's a placebo. Everything's a placebo. God, I could not have picked a better topic for my English 102 research paper.
PLACEBO EFFECTS
HAO DO THEY WORK.

I sound like a cross between a Tibetan monk and a lolcat when i write these things..
I'm just getting over being sick myself, for real, and I find that when I am struggling with an illness of any sort, my avility to spell becomes highly flawed. Like I've already had to press backspace a good 1.3 million times and I'm only halfway through the fucking post.
"1.3 million," you might say? "that's an exaggeration, mackenna."
"Yes it is, my dear critic. I pulled the number from the amount of times you've questioned your self-worth." I might respond.
But I'm not that mean, now am I?

...There's a bunch of women with their heads cocked at a slight angle with very colorful, shiny hair looking at me through slit eyelids on my dresser. How did I end up with so many boxes of hair dye?

Oh wait, I was writing about something. Pretending to be sick. The easiest route is to do something you don't normally do, and do a shit ton of it. If you normally don't make eye contact with people, make a lot of eye contact and have labored breathing. Kinda like you're stalking them, yes. At that point, they should have a response that sounds something like "Please just go back home. You're too sick to work. Get some rest."
They want you to be your normal self.
If you're not your normal self, it's only a short bridge between the neurons in their brain that will tell them you're not well.
So if you're normally a bitch, you should try being really soft and sweet and nice. "How do I know if I'm normally a bitch, mackenna?" "Trust me, dear reader. Take the safe route and assume that you are."

If everyone followed my advice, the world would be such a nice place
Lots of bad ass motherfucking ninjas everywhere
LOOK THERE'S ONE NAO

Oh, and have a remix.
So relaxing.
Go drive through your nearest big city at sunset with your fanciest clothes on and pretend to be in a music video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFnqEo9367s