I've got a new project: Translating.
My first language will be the language of females.
Ya know, a lot of people want to know this shit. *ahem* I mean stuff. Even I've been wondering what's behind a girl's words when she says "Could you go get me some Japanese food?" Well up until this point, I've always thought "Okay, bring her Japanese food. Bitches love Japanese food."
Now... now, we speculate. We observe. We are a race of scientists and guinea pigs, coexisting, each one hating the other for different, undisclosed reasons.
But enough generalizations! After days of field work, I have come up with a few rough translations for the language of the highly intriguing species. Fellow linguistic scientists, you may thank me later for my hard work.
IN CONVERSATION:
(the phrase will be in red, the translation in black.)
"Oh yeah?" -> I don't give a shit.
"I had no idea!" -> I had the idea since before either of us were born, back when i was a single celled organism.
"You're silly." -> You're being a dipshit, please for the love of God stop doing what you're doing right now before people start looking at you and associating you with me.
"How did you manage that?" -> You've mildly shocked me with your ability to do something other than gather dust and take up space on our cramped planet!
"I know." -> Let's change the subject.
"Are you sure?" -> This is your last chance to reconsider your decision before I permanently rate you a very low number on the scaaaale of competenceeeeeeee biiiittttccchhhhh (rough translation)
GREETINGS:
"Hi." -> I'm madly in love with you.
"Hey!" -> YOU'RE IN THE FRIENDZONE LOLZ
"Sup beotch." -> I admire our friendship and I think you're a wonderful human being.
"Buuuuuddy, what's uuuuuup?" -> Please go away please please please please please please (x10)
"Yo." -> Get the fuck out of my face, I'm hardcore pmsing but I don't want to seem like a bitch by responding with "I'm hardcore pmsing bro, back off" so i'll just try and be cool and say yo. Dawg.
"Yes?" -> /quit conversation. As fast as you can. I'm not even kidding, just /quit.
QUESTIONS:
"Where's the bathroom?" -> I need a safe place to text my other two boyfriends
"What are you doing right now?" -> Whatever it is, I really think you hanging out with me is a million times more important and i'll be super sad and distant if you state something that you're actually busy with.
"How tired are you?" I know it's 3:30 am and all, but I'd love a buddy to go to grab some late night munchies with. And possibly have secks with. Because hey, secks and munchies, what a combo!
"What is your favorite _____?" -> This is not just casual conversation. I'm gonna buy this shit *ahem* I mean stuff- for you at some point in the future.
Damn! I feel super awesome about my contribution to the scientific community. Apologies to those who believe I have blasphemed the name of science (but think about it, aren't we really discovering new things every day in all fields?) Good luck in your verbal travels with women, wayfarer. I hope this mini guide will assist you in your endeavors.
Tune in next time to get another bone rattling dose of pure Mackennaology. It's a registered field of study now!
Mackenna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5IAR2GMaUM
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