I can already tell this will be the beginning of a beautiful blog post. My guides have been very few and far between these days with all the working and school I've been doing, but I assure you this guide is the brainchild of many frustrating days as a retail employee, and I hope the both useful and terribly un-useful points made will be beneficial to those who work in retail everywhere, and are sick of putting up with the shit dealt to us by people with likely similar jobs. It's a nasty circle of karma we exist in. But hey!
At least there's money in it! Right?
Right?
Before I begin, I'd like to direct you to the lower half of the list for the more serious suggestions for those that are legitimately suffering with customer relations, and need some legitimate advice.
1. It's all about the silent attack! If a customer is blatantly rude to you and you have no possible verbal tactics that would give you a chance at insulting them back without getting your ass fired, keep a bucket of something really annoying underneath the counter by your register. Confetti, ice, something that won't ruin the product that is being purchased, but simply annoy the person that is trying to enjoy the product. We don't want any returns here, just toss a little something in to the bag when you're putting their receipt in or if you have to adjust things.
2. My most used personal tactic is the art of time consumption. If I see a customer has cut in line, and they think that they can just mess up the order of things, I simply slow it down a bit. For example, my button pushing speed on the register will drop to 50%. If I need to walk to get something for them, I'll shuffle. If they're obviously in a hurry and are huffing and puffing about my reduced speed, I'll even ask some mundane questions like "so how has your day been?" in a really monotonous voice. Cutting in line is no bueno, muchachos. See to it that they wait for your ass until you're good and ready to finish up the transaction.
3. Take a shit. Just right there, on the counter. Preferably try to aim for the stuff they're trying to buy.
4. Fake an accent! Also another favorite. Fake any sort of accent you wish, and then become that really polite foreigner that nobody wants to get mad at or insult, because they'll assume you won't even understand what they're saying.
5. If a bitch is being a bitch to you, and you're a bitch, hit on her. Bring out that inner lesbian and just go to town. If she continues the bitch act, publicly accuse her of being anti-gay. Same for dudes.
6. Start every transaction being as friendly as possible. If you can see the customer is just not having it and is being impolite, drop to their level. Say only what is completely necessary- and I mean completely necessary. One word questions work, like "receipt?" and "thank you" instead of "would you like a receipt?" and "Have a great day". It may not matter to them, but at least you'll stop feeling like you're putting everything into the conversation and getting nothing back.
7. Sometimes it's okay to act a little offended if someone doesn't respond to you or is being socially rude. Scoff a little bit, or make prolonged eye contact after you ask them a question and they haven't responded- some people just forget that they're talking to another human being when they're talking to someone behind a register. Some people will take it as you being rude, but you'll easily be able to defend yourself to anyone that calls you out on it.
I hope that helped you guys, I put a little more effort and a little less sarcasm into this one than I usually do.
Good luck at work, retail warriors!
-Mackenna
"Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene." - A. C. Benson
